The Bond Between Brothers

Last spring I was debating about bringing Ewan home in the afternoons (out of one of his preschool activities) and letting him spend some down time with his brother and me. I so wanted for the two boys to connect in a meaningful way so that they might be closer to each other as they grew up. I was getting the feeling that Ewan’s schedule of activities was so stretched that the boys felt very separate from each other. It just may be the case that big, strong Ewan will need his younger brother to help him out every now and then. So I brought Ewan home and the boys had a lot more 'together' time.

Now these two boys can fight like professional wrestlers if the day is right. So it's not all wine and roses with the two boys together so much but I know that the bond between these brothers grows every day. When Ewan has to go to speech, which is quite often, Vaughn misses his brother and practically knocks him over when he walks in the door. When preschool started this semester we were curious to know what would happen with the boys being at the same school or outside on the playground together. Would they ignore each other or play together? I fully expected them to ignore each other and go about their day separately!

One day when I picked up the boys from preschool the teacher told me what had happened that day. Now, first of all, Ewan had been having a rough day. The day before he had to have a Barium swallow done and although he did really well with it, I don't think the Barium sat on his stomach real well. He had just finished a lot of testing in speech and he hates those days (not a lot of playing!) and he was just a little off behavior wise because of all that. He didn't want to stop playing at free time to go to large group and he started crying and tried to hide in the hallway with the sandbox.

Vaughn heard him crying and went to his door on the two year old side and was looking at Ewan and trying to talk to him through the door. The teacher then let Vaughn in to the hallway and little Vaughn went to his brother and said, "It's ok Ewan, take a deep breath." And yes, Vaughn, even though he’s only two, has that much speech—he talks all the time. Apparently, Ewan and Vaughn were doing some deep breathing and Ewan said "I’m ok Vaughn" and then went to go sit on the couch for a second or two before he decided large group wouldn't be that bad. Doesn’t’ that just emphasize that the bond between brothers (or any sibling) should be first and foremost? I am so glad I have chosen to foster Ewan's relationship with his brother because when the going gets tough sometimes it’s your sibling you lean on for support.

Ewan, of course, has an older sister. Skye is quite a bit older than Ewan though and, as close as they are, she is more of an authority figure to him than anything. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they like to wrestle and play video games together, and she reads stories to her brothers a lot, but the age difference is pretty great. Whereas, the boys are only two years apart and will have spent far more time together playing, plotting, and growing together by the time they reach adulthood. We, as parents of special needs children, often have a hard time thinking about our children as adults or living without mom or dad. But in reality, children grow up and at times, will turn more to their sibling than to their parents. I know that children growing up with a sibling with an Autism Spectrum Disorder have a lot to deal with, to understand, and to accommodate. But they also grow up together with a very special bond and often, are more intuitive about their siblings’ strengths than mom and dad are.

If there is one thing I can say about siblings it’s that it is an important bond for any family to cultivate but it’s just that much more important in the family with a special needs child. Some children will need that extra help every now and then, some children will need that extra encouragement that only a sibling can give, and some children will need that protection that only an outraged brother or sister can provide. Siblings fight and siblings get irritated with each other. Siblings can feel enormous pressure and can feel left out in the special needs family. Sibling relationships can be complex yes, but they can also be fostered in such a way that the bond between them grows each year and makes the other stronger, happier, and have a better sense of identity. I for one am glad my children are growing up so close and spend so much time together playing, arguing, and laughing together.

October.13.2006. - Mommy Blog